Hello, Darlings! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! No, wait. It began to look a lot like Christmas about two days before Halloween. I remember this clearly, because the local drug store had started replacing the fake teeth and rubber spiders with fake antlers and tinsel garlands on Halloween, and when I made a last minute foray for candy for the trick-or-treaters, I inadvertently grabbed a bag of mini-candy canes. (None of the neighborhood kids batted an eye, which I suppose is a commentary unto itself.)

Yes, it begins earlier every year; the slick ads, the catchy jingles, the mangling and exploitation of Christmas lore for the purpose of manipulating the masses into buying crap upon crap. I swear, I wouldn't know what time of the year it was if it wasn't for the calendar on my wall. Is it just me, or is anyone else sick of this shit? Now, I'll be honest; at first when the Christmas Blitz started, I kind of welcomed it. Mainly because of the 9.11 disaster, I actually thought it was a good thing. Get people into the spirit (which I was sorely lacking, I don't know about you.) Help the economy. A distraction from dwelling on the thought of over 5,000 people, lost to some self-righteous hypocrite's whim. I wanted noise, and carols, and bright lights, and good cheer, because I was feeling very heartsick. But then I began to feel this overwhelming, enraged impatience every time I heard or saw a Christmas-themed retail ad. I realize that all the bright, shiny toys and tuneful mirth in the world can't make up for what happened, and that the crass, vulgar mass marketing of Christmas this year, far from distracting us from our lingering shock and horror, served to mock the tragedy of what happened. And so, I decided that I would not buy into this con any longer.

So here it is, my darling boys and girls: The meaning of Christmas, Mighty Afrodite Style:

Love. That's the big one. Never mind the annoying, tedious, aggravating crap that your friends, family and lovers pull. It doesn't stop you from loving them. Instead of thinking about the things you hate about them, think of all the reasons you love them. Don't seize every little opportunity to be angry or nitpick. Life is obviously too short. Reach out to the people you haven't seen or spoken to in a while. Write a three-page e-mail instead of a sound bite. Or better yet, call, or write a letter. Listen to your loved ones a little harder, talk to them a little longer, hold them a little closer, and don't be so quick to let go.

Think of those less fortunate than yourselves. Volunteer. There are people hurting out there, and never enough people to help them.

Visit your family.

Pay attention to what's really happening to the people around you. Never mind the expensive, high profile, status-symbol gifts. That's all a bunch of insecure, neurotic crap.

Don't get me wrong: I live in the real world too, and I understand that there's no way to avoid commercialism of some sort, especially around Christmas. But historically speaking, Christmas wasn't always a major gift-giving holiday. Originally, it was a pagan celebration of the start of winter, and the good harvest that would allow everyone to survive the winter. (It was co-opted by the Catholic Church, the original cult of the bottom line.) Give the people on your list the things they really want (as opposed to the things that will make you look good to give). It really is the thought that counts; think of something!

So if you find yourself wanting to pull an Elvis every time you see more dancing beer cans wearing antlers, just take a deep breath and think of these simple things: Love. Charity. Friendship. Empathy. Family. Friends. Community. These are the cornerstones of the true meaning of Christmas, and I guarantee that this year especially, they will give you more satisfaction and peace of mind than any two-hundred-dollar sweater.

Everyone knows the Spirit of hristmas is about Baby Jesus and a killer snowman. Send mail to editor@corporatemofo.com.