The bushes hang thick and heavy with the moist chewy fruits of summer, and my coolie has left the lawn neatly arrayed with those jolly nice alternating striped what-knots. It is a time for love, for war, for planting things in the atria of one's arbulotoreum.

My own tiny hamlet—Badger Toft-Scrumping—is positively bursting with bloomage. Jubilee year, don't you know. Bunting everywhere, fifty years on the bally throne, Rule Britannia and all that.

It was yesterday afternoon—I forget which day—and I was reminiscing at the croquet lawn, nestled at the southern corner of our village green, with some of the old boys from my fencing school, about what makes England so bloody marvellous. A famous poet—or music hall songster mayhap—once described our fair isle as "England's green and pleasant land". I would have amended that to "England's green and bloody pleasant land", because at this time of year it is so bloody, marvellously pleasant.

Yes, so there I was, sipping a cool Pimms on my deckchair and padding down the bruises I had earlier received to my forehead from a jolly set-to at Singlesticks, when someone mentioned The War. I can't for the Hell of India remember which war it was, but it must have been the last one, because I was in it. Yes—that's the fellow! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I remember one of the chaps jovially asking if I had "flown a desk" during Hitler's bombastment of the Home Counties. No, I retorted, I flew a blinking Spitfire, and right at Jerry's monocle to boot.

The year was 1940— I remember vividly the glorious summer of that year, peppered with zeppelins and enormous craters in our cricket pitch. It wasn't England's first hostile take-over bid, by jingo. The boardroom was the sky above Kent, the CEO was an Old Etonian who flew a Lancaster Bomber to Frankfurt twice a day, and I was left to kiss goodnight to Hans the Happy Hun with both barrels. Never did like those Fokkers.

Memories turn to Jiffy, my Batman, who lost both his ears when our parachutes failed. It was the fifteenth time we had been downed that day, but he carried on, by Jove, picking his ears up after he landed and straight off into the next Hawker Hurricane. Never saw him again. Terrible business. . . best not mentioned.

After much laughter and a little more light derogation of our European neighbours, we adjourned to the smoking room of the nearby village hostelry—The Blazing Heinekel—for a score of ales and a round of port and backgammon.

And that brought me to thinking, what makes us English so bloody different—and so obviously superior—to those across the Channel? Is it the lack of garlic and sauerkraut? Perhaps. I'm more convinced it's because they can't play bloody bowls properly. Temperamental fellows, these Euros. Especially the Hungarians.

So we devised a little quiz for your perusing pleasure. Call it a "Euro-Quiz" if you like. Take a minute with it, and that way you will know if you're one of them. You better bloody hope that you're not.

If you are, you won't get served here.

Until next month, Tally Ho!

Yours Fruitfully,

The Major

Are you a true European?

1. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking young woman passes by. Do you:

a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say "Hello".
c. Smear a whole tub of grease all over your head, pinch her bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with 20 of your friends, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks.

2. Your wife has asked you to pop into the store to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do?

a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is shorter.
c. Whip out your accordion and play a series of annoying folk tunes while breathing suggestively into the ear of the lady in front and imploring her to sleep with you.

3. You are driving when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?

a. Drive on, perhaps shaking your head slightly in indignation.
b. Sound your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on the hood shouting "Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"

4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise the time is 1pm. What do you do?

a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours, waking up occasionally to play your guitar.

5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary-looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?

a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Prod it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.

6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:

a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit [cookie-ed.].
c. Phone 20 of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking high-tar cigarettes with no filter and drinking 48 litres of wine.

7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do?

a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the washroom for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your male colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.

8. "Job Satisfaction" to you means:

a. Having a challenging job that you enjoy and are good at, regardless of the salary.
b. Earning an excellent wage, while not necessarily loving what you do.
c. Giving token jobs to members of your extended family after marrying the boss's daughter, who you accidentally got pregnant at 15, and slowly taking over the company from the inside.

9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Do you:

a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scurry back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multipurpose folding knives.

10. Your local football soccer team has won a game. How would you celebrate? Would you:

a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in soccer.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little 20-year-old Fiat with six people on the roof, screaming "Ole, ole, ole, ole" at the top of your voice, waving your arms out of the windows and honking the horn all night.

11. You are in polite company in a foreign restaurant, with a menu you don't fully understand. The waiter arrives, ready to take your order. Do you:

a. Feel a little self-conscious, and ask a friend to advise you on what is good to eat.
b. Choose something at random from the menu in the hope you will like it.
c. Demand to be served a plate of horsemeat, veal, blood sausage, sauerkraut, raw onions, blue cheese and garlic while shouting "Pah" repeatedly and cursing the staff in your own language.

12. "National Pride" to you is:

a. An awareness of the great contributions your country has made to civilisation, while respecting that other nations have had similar achievements.
b. An outdated concept in today's multi-cultural and globally-aware world.
c. Big boots, a skinhead, bad tattoos and a green bomber jacket, chanting "Oi, oi, oi" and blaming all of society's ills on thieving immigrants.

13. It's Election Day and you have gone to the polling station to cast your vote. Do you:

a. Stand patiently and quietly in line, go to the ballot box and vote for the candidate of your choice.
b. Have second thoughts and not vote after all, because all politicians suck.
c. Ask everyone who comes in who they are voting for, and kick and punch them if you don't agree with their choice while chanting the name of your favoured candidate and screaming "Viva el Presidente" over and over again.

14. You are unhappy at work. Do you:

a. Talk to your manager and explain what the problem is so that it may be resolved.
b. Start looking for another job, one that might offer more fulfilment.
c. Blockade the local ferry terminal with 200 of your friends, beating up foreign motorists and setting fire to as many lorries carrying livestock as you can.

15. You catch your girlfriend in bed with your best friend. Do you:

a. Tearfully tell the pair of them that they have destroyed your life with such a terrible betrayal.
b. Storm out and never speak to them again.
c. Leer suggestively, wink and get out your handycam to make a Red Hot Dutch-style anal sex amateur special which you can show at your parent's hashish party later that night.

16. You're meeting a hot new date at a swish restaurant tonight and you want to impress. Do you:

a. Take an invigorating shower, splash on your favourite fragrance and dress for success.
b. Hit the boutiques for some new threads and get a hip new hairstyle along the way.
c. Go straight to the date from your job in the slaughterhouse, reeking of sweat and caked in cow brain matter and spinal cord remnants, before dumping your oil-spewing scooter on the pavement outside the restaurant with its engine still running.

17. You are crossing a field in the countryside when you notice a rather huge and angry looking bull preventing you from reaching the other side. Do you:

a. Carefully back up to the nearest fence, making sure not to make any sudden movements.
b. Walk around the edge of the field, trying not to attract its attention.
c. Use your mobile phone to summon 50 of your friends, take off your jackets and wave them in the air while running around the bull shouting "Andale, andale, ariba, ariba" in a bid to make it charge at you.

18. You are at a meeting where many different ideas are being discussed. To get your point across do you:

a. Speak clearly and rationally, as this is the best way to persuade others to accept your views.
b. Present yourself as firm and forthright, because some there will follow a strong leader.
c. Disagree violently with every single suggestion made by anyone else other than yourself and demand the right to veto any decisions that are made.

19. You admire your neighbour's lawn, which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?

a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden, and if he complains, shoot him.

20. "Globalisation" to you is:

a. A good idea, where a one-world vision should be able to benefit the whole of humanity.
b. A bad idea, where corporations will simply get richer at the expense of ordinary people.
c. Sweeping the dictator of the month to power on the back of a wave of national jingoism and xenophobia and launching a surprise invasion of France and the Low Countries.

Are you an Eton lad? Send us e-mail at editor@corporatemofo.com