It seems to me that every five minutes, there's a magazine article or New York Times piece that takes for granted that love, that most sublime of emotions, is nothing but a minor electron storm in our amygdalas. The thrum-thrum-thrum of our hearts is nothing but the bass beat for the symphony of our synaptic pathways, and the moistening between your girlfriend's legs is preceded by a deluge of neurotransmitters. And, of course, there's one constant refrain: Women want security; Men want to cast their seed far and wide. Biologically speaking, men are not hardwired for fidelity—it's been biologically determined, measured by MRIs and sociological surveys and studies of chimps and bonobos and the French.

Fortunately, in the modern era, we are no longer stuck with one person 'til death do us part; we can change partners as often as we change our socks. Many guys I've known change them more often. That's not to say that all men are unfaithful—but ambition and sex drive seem inextricably linked, and who doesn't want to be the alpha-male? If all the other guys want it, I want it, too, if for no other reason than I can't stand the idea of someone else having it and me not having it.

And so our culture, from beer commercials to movies to porn, has been geared to deliver to us one very important message: It is our right as Americans to sleep with two girls at the same time.

Anyone who doesn't is, obviously, less of a man.

Come on, it's not like she won't go for it. You know as well as I do that she doesn't have a choice. Look at how far she's gone for you already. (Unless you were so stupid as to marry her—you didn't marry her, did you?!) She's dieted and exercised to try to lose that imaginary extra five pounds that you'll never let her know that you don't really care about. She spends countless hours worrying about hair and clothes and shoes and all that other shit we don't notice unless she's not wearing any. And don't let me get into that whole pubic-hair trimming thing you got her to do so her pussy looks like Jenna Jameson's!

So why wouldn't she go a little lesbo for you? I don't have any eggheads to back me up, but bisexuality seems to be inherent to the female condition. Look at all those college-age "womyn" who ditch the herbal tea and get a Lady Bic as soon as they figure out it's a sad, lonely existence without welcoming The Cock (and its financial benefits) into their lives. Look at the porn stars and Miller Lite girls who'll get all Sapphic for thirty seconds on TV and a fat paycheck. Would you kiss a guy for cash? Thought not—but women are more than eager to do a little muff-diving if they figure it'll land them the man and his wallet and the security and acceptance they've always wanted.

So go ahead.

Post that Personals ad looking for a third.

If she breaks up with you, hey, at least you know the new girl's kinky.

You and your friend can e-mail editor@corporatemofo.com.