The man they found dead on the shitter in Graceland in 1977 wasn't Elvis Presley at all. Instead, it was an impersonator named Sebastian Haff, with whom the real Elvis had traded lives.

Also, John F. Kennedy was not killed in Dallas in 1963. Instead, the missing parts of his brain were replaced with sand, his skin was dyed, and he spent the rest of his days as a black man in an East Texas nursing home.

Deep Truth #2:

Getting old really, really sucks. First they take your privacy. Then they take your dignity. Then they take your teeth. Finally, they just throw you away.

Deep Truth #3:

Ancient Egyptian mummies like wearing cowboy hats. Even mummies that look like the monster from an episode of Scooby-Do.

Deep Truth #4:

Ancient Egyptian mummies, like the rest of us, like to take a dump in a nice, clean toilet.

Deep Truth #5:

In 1970, Elvis actually did confront diabolical evil:

Deep Truth #6:

Your soul can be removed just as easily through your asshole as any other orifice.

Deep Truth #7:

If you have an inflammation on your pecker, it's probably cancer.

Deep Truth #8:

Mobile homes explode really easily.

Deep Truth #9:

Bruce Campbell and Feral House publisher Adam Parfrey were separated at birth.

Deep Truth #10:

Bruce Campbell is the King.

If you're Bruce Campbell, write to editor@corporatemofo.com and we'll buy you beer.