Hello, Darlings! Tristan Trout, having benefited from my considerable, ongoing research into bigger and better sex, has asked me to help all of you everyday people enjoy a better quality of life. Believe me, I know it's hard, especially when Corporate America, (much like the Catholic church) does everything it can to suck every last drop of enjoyment out of your life. Well, I think it's high time you sucked it back. Being that this is the first installment, I figured I'd honor the spirit of CORPORATE MOFO with the following. Enjoy, Darlings!

It never fails. Somehow, your boss always manages to cull you from the rest of the herd stampeding out the door at 6:00 p.m., and bog you down for the evening with a last-minute project, forcing you to cancel out on your sweetie, while he's boogying out the door, whistling. SUCKER!

No, not you. After all, He's the one who left you unsupervised in a potential setting for a kick-ass sexual scenario. So don't bag on your Honey yet. An office after-hours is a pervert's dream, lending itself to all sorts of bondage and domination situations. Even better, because with a little imagination and ingenuity, any well-stocked office will yield up a treasure trove of bondage equipment. Here's how to use them:

1. Set the Scene: Because it's no fun unless baby plays along:

Ask your Honey to join you at the office for dinner. If you want to surprise her, ask her to come right after work, while she's still in business attire. After a quick nosh, start rolling. Call her Ms. So-and-So, and start commenting on her performance in the office. Sound as flirtatious as possible, and just take it from there. What ever kind of scenario you come up with is up to you. Tell her you want to work on a "special project" with her that could be "mutually satisfying." That's a good way to start. At this point, she'll either run screaming from the office, or she'll start playing along. If she runs screaming, you're screwed, so you might as well get some work done. If she starts playing along, try to maneuver her into either role. If she decides to be dominant, let her take the exec chair, and start groveling. If she wants to play Naughty Secretary, start by asking her to take a memo—while sitting on your lap.

2. Those Weird Black and Chrome Paper Clips:

For nipple clamps. Don't tell me you haven't already thought about it. They look like they were designed with that purpose in mind. Depending on your pain threshold, start with the small ones. They come in all sizes, so experiment.

3. Scotch Tape, Or "I'm sorry Sir, I'm all Tied Up Right Now":

Scotch tape doesn't rip your hair and skin off like other tapes, and is conveniently located all over the place. Tape yourself, tape her, tape each other down.

4. The Phone Intercom:

Start off with some kinky phone sex back and forth between an office and a cubicle. Then walk in wearing nothing but some strategically placed sticky notes.

5. Appliance Cords:

Bad Secretary! Bad Mail Boy! Those thick, rubber cords are excellent for either tying up or gentle thrashings. Just make sure they're unplugged and disconnected first.

6. The Office Furniture:

"Oh, bend over and get me that file. . . With your teeth!" On the desk, over the chair, under the table, it's there, it's paid for, use it.

Well, that should be enough to get you started. Remember to cover your tracks when you're done, and slip a little something to Security to ignore your goings on and provide a look out.

Have fun screwing the system, Darlings!