I may be a fashion victim, but I'm not stupid. Before doing anything radical, I consulted with my friend Beatrice, who has more fashion sense in her pinky finger than exists in several generations of my family. (That's her on the right.) Besides being beautiful and and having terrific taste in tattoos and piercings, she's from Germany and works in the fashion industry. (Note to readers: In my mind, Europe + fashion industry = instant credibility.) Beatrice, being a humanitarian as well as a good friend, made an emergency appointment with a reputable hairstylist. And, so, last Thursday, I went in search of something that would have dumbfounded even Leonard Nimoy: A hairstyle for a balding guy that is somehow "hip" and "with it," as you kids say these days—yet is safe enough for the office. It's regrettable, I know, but I've had to work for a living ever since that darn Tsar lost power. . .

Here we are at the offices of Gina Thomas, haircutter to the stars, on 14th Street in Manhattan. Naturally, I brought a disposable camera with me so as to share the results of my research with my dear readers, who may be going bald themselves. (Not being independently wealthy, nor sexy enough for an Amazon.com wish list, I don't have a digital.) I also brought my friend Stephanie for moral support and to take the pictures.

They were very, very nice to me at the salon, and very forgiving of my every little faux pas. It was a good thing, too, since I have no idea of proper hair salon etiquette. I haven't had a haircut since the early '90s, remember.

This is me, pre-haircut. Notice the receding hairline. It was at about this time that I began imbibing heavily of the free wine. This was necessary in order to work up my courage for What Had to Be Done.

In short order, I explained the situation to Gina.

Me: "Gina, I've had long hair since I was a teenager. I want to be a rebel so very badly—some sort of misguided apprehension that it's kind of related to hipness, which in turn might get me laid, I suppose. However, you see, I'm also going bald. Also, the long hair thing died with Joey Ramone. I look like an idiot. Please help me!"

Gina: "Shave it."

Me: "Uh. . ."

Gina: "Have some more wine."

[Gulps wine]

Me: "O.K."

Believe it it not, this was less painless than it looks. Gina is VERY good.

Have I mentioned that a lack of a neck also runs in my family? Between fencing and karate, I work out five or six days a week, and I'm in great shape. Still, no neck appears. On the other hand, it's a great asset if I ever want to be the Investigator in Rocky Horror. . .

This is definitely my good side.

In my opinion, an improvement. I look almost human. Hell, after swapping my glasses for contacts, I look fucking sexy. (Notice the slightly unfocused eyes from all the wine.)

Gina is damn good at what she does. I'd recommend her for all your makeover needs.

In conclusion, there's not much you can do about your genetics. However, by consulting with the cognoscenti, and with the proper application of equal parts attitude, expertise, and merlot, there's no reason to spend your entire life looking like a geek. For my particular problem short, buzz-cut hair was the way to go: It's got street cred; it's got style; it's equal parts yes, let's have lunch at the club, shall we? and fuck with me, I'll rip out your larynx and use it for a hackey sack. I'm really, really glad I did this.

Of course, now it's going to grow out again, and I'm going to need another haircut. . .

Got any fashion tips? E-mail editor@corporatemofo.com