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Offa da Grid

Editor: Long-time farker, first-time visitor to your most excellent site. Your article "Off-the-Grid Urban Living" had me laughing myself into near tears at 8AM. As a freelance author, it read like an autobiography, right down to the "communes are outdated" sentiment. I have saved it, bookmarked it, and plan on making it into a crewelwork sampler to put over the door of my illegal loft. Nicely done.

Ed Morris, age 27
Portland, OR

Ah, to me immortalized in crewelwork. . . Achilles had Homer, I have Ed. . .

Just something from the hinterlands of Massachusetts. . .

In both Furniture and, if you get to it, Clothing, SECOND HAND STORES! These are a boon to the off-grid survivalist, college student and struggling corporate motherfuckers like me. Second-hand furniture is usually cheap and would be "antique" if someone refinished it. Same thing with second hand clothes. A little dye and some needle-and-thread know how and they're almost new again.

If you decide to touch Transportation, there are only three methods that an off-gridder should even consider. Subway, bus or bike, and I don't mean Yamaha. Major cities and college towns usually have a serious public transportation network, and New York and Boston have two of the largest, and in my experience, best, in the US. There is no reason to own a gas-burning vehicle if you live within the city limits, and if you absolutely must rely on your own property for transportation, buy a bicycle. You'll get your daily workout without paying for a gym and move faster than most of the gridlocked traffic anyway. Remember, there are two people who own cars in any major metropolitan area, the Rich and the Stupid. Between gas, insurance and parking, living without will save serious time, money and aggravation.

That's about as much as I've got.

Paul Zichichi
NYC Expatriate and Struggling Corporate Motherfucker

Amen. We touched on "previously owned" furniture, and second-hand clothing is a given. Cars are indeed evil. Mistress Rowena lives in the hinterlands of MA, too, and she's being forced by necessity to learn to drive for the first time in her life.

One Year Later

I HOPE THAT THROUGH THEIR GRIEF, THE VICTIMS, FAMILIES, AND EVERYONE WHO CARES WILL SEE THAT WE`RE ALL MERELY CANNON FODDER FOR ECONOMIC INTERESTS WHOSE POLICIES RESULT IN WARS AND TERRORIST ACTIVITIES EVERYWHERE. I`M CANADIAN WITH FAMILY IN AMERICA, BUT IN REALITY WE`RE ALL FAMILY (WORLDWIDE).

LET`S MAKE GOVERNMENTS` STOP PLAYING THEIR GAME OF DIVIDE AND CONQUER, AND WORK TOWARDS SHARING WORLD WEALTH AND RESOURCES WITH ALL THE WORLD.

THERE`S ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE TO HAVE A DECENT AND HAPPY EXISTENCE.

Yes, and remember the first step in saving the world is. . . turning the caps lock key off!

401(K)

So, Mofo, what real options do we work-a-day suckers have???

My company, which traditionally has been known for taking care of its management employees, is going through a huge change on the people side.

1. Performance management is another way of saying targeted elimination! Poor performance ratings assigned by supervisors are allowed without rebuttal. There is no dispute resolution process if the employee wants to respectfully and rightfully defend their good name. Furthermore, HR is no longer the employee advocate; HR has been effectively neutered!

2. Management overtime is considered an oxymoron. I was the project manager assigned to that project (before they realized I was not a sychophant and ousted me—yes, using the above Performance Management Process!!!). Eliminating so-called "exempt" overtime pay will net the company $23M in the US facilities alone! You bet the Executive Office was excited to hear that! It took the pay away from the workers and lined the pockets of the VPs and Group Presidents!

3. The entire Retirement Benefit & Pension plan is being reduced. Another cost reduction project! And of course, the employees have no say. . . there's a part of the retiree's life insurance that's getting cut, too.

4. Medical benefits. . . yikes! In the last 5 years we've seen medical premiums arrive and increase, as well as prescription drug benefits decrease by forcing higher co-pays. And it's only going to get worse!

And now finally, there's going to be a huge reorganization in Corporate Human Resources and hundreds of employees are going to get "RIF-ed" (reduction in force). It ain't pretty now and it's just gonna get uglier.

But what can be done????

Awaiting your sagacious response. . .

Sincerely,
Corporate Drone #32567

Revolt?

No, seriously, we've been thinking of making a column of these Management-is-screwing-us complaints. Send 'em to editor@corporatemofo.com. Be sure to be explicit. We'd love to embarrass your bosses.

Personal Hell

I read your piece about the Spring Street personals, and it struck a chord. I too am a former dork in my late 20s who discovered spring Street Personals and what he thought was a painless way to get cheap sex, a lot of it. My online persona makes me out to be a dyed-in-the-wool world-traveling bad-ass, and in a certain light it's even true. Not that I put any blatant lies in the ad, but rather, as you say, all the bad bits have been left out.

However, I have to wonder whether it is us, or the inherent flaws in the medium that make online personals an ultimately barren experience. It seems the whole thing is an exercise set up with the intent of making us sell each other as cheaply as possible. Don't like the way this weeks girl flips her hair or chews her food? Does she use her teeth when she gives you head? Fuck her, update your ad and move on to the next.

Of course I'm not saying that you are an innocent bystander in your described trip down fuck-wit lane, because you are most certainly not. Nor am I any less than a loathsome twit for some of the shenanigans I have pulled as a result of good old Nerve.com, but the fact remains, that for every girl I have tossed aside, or led astray I have received in return almost twofold, women who have done the exact same thing to me—sometimes even worse. Then of course, there was the girl I dated for three months and fell in love with who then dumped me and got a job WORKING at fucking Nerve (it's enough to make a man severely paranoid at times. . . ).

Ah, I dunno man. It just seems to me that there is a certain amount of complicity going on both sides of the gender fence as well as among the provider of the service itself. It takes no effort to sit in front of your computer and create Hornby's "sketch of a decent human being." It's as easy as airbrushing out your crow's feet. The whole thing seems designed for duplicity. Hell, I went out with a woman who was a year older than me who posted her senior year high school photo on her personal. Needless to say, add 10 years and approximately 10 pounds per year and there you go.

Yeah, I'm rambling but as I said that post struck a chord.

Listen, don't be too hard on yourself man and don't overestimate your importance in either of those women's lives and don't ever forget that a lot of these women (maybe not the two in question but a lot of them) are just as bad as we are, if not worse. It ain't you bro, it's the whole damn species. Maybe take a break from the good ol' online personals? Not that I am in a position to be giving anyone any advice. . . particularly to some anonymous guy who blogs.

That having been said; good luck!

Peace,
Tom

Fear not, Tom. All this shall be dealt with in my upcoming book, A History of Single Life.

I was reading your story on your site, and I think it's pretty damn pathetic that you seem to be fully cognizant of all of your horrible, disgusting traits, and don't seem to be able to develop any strategy for getting off your arse and fixing things. From what I gather, you seem to be so imperfect that you should be able to fix some of your traits almost by accident. What's girl #2's number? Maybe I could call her up—she sounds like, at the very least, she deserves a couple times better than yourself.

-W.B.

Gee, why don't you just look her up on Nerve?

Ouch!

In regards to your "Circumcision: A Slice of Life," that's one slice of life I could done without. Thirty-five years ago the doctor who preformed this unnecessary procedure botched the job. Because of this sex for me does not exist. I'm no Brad Pitt, but I would of liked to have sampled sex at least once before I die. You can make all the arguments for this, but I would rather had the procedure be my choice. Not the doctors, the hospital, my parents, their religion, etc, etc. . .

Well, you certainly have our sympathies. However, "sex" involves a lot more than just putting-the-penis-in-a-hole. Ever consider alternate approaches to the problem? I'm sure that you could find a wonderful woman who appreciates you and could help you explore your body's capacity for pleasure—or, maybe you could take the money you got from the lawsuit and hire a professional.

Do Not Annoy Cops

How come police offers arrest you for flashing laser pointers at their eyes?

Lets face it here, this is NOT "right." I should be able to laser point anyone in the eyes without feeling like their could be a chance of actual consequences.

Am I morally right here corporatemofo.com?

Thanks,

—B.I.M.

I think it's best to remember what Emily Post said: It's not polite to point. Particularly when the other person has a Glock 9mm.

Space Cakes

Hi,

Always nice to read so positively on my home town, but don't believe the cab drivers. It's not even legal to smoke pot in Amsterdam (REALLY) but we tolerate it from 18....

And if I own a coffee shop and get caught with a minor unsupervised in your bar they can close you down.... :-((

And to answer your question "Now, is that progressive or what? Why can't we be more like that?" Duh.... if 'you' vote a dumb ass like Dubbya in the white house you answered yourself, didn't ya?

—CU

JUST A REACTION ABOUT YOUR SPACE-CAKE-AMSTERDAM-TRIP-STORY. DONT GET A FIT, SO MOST OF THE PEOPLE WENT RIGHT WING THIS TIME, BUT OUER RIGHT WING IS STIL DANGEROUSLY LEFTWING IF YOU COMPARE IT TO YOUR DEMOCRATES. THE LIBBERAL DRUG LAWS IN HOLLAND STARTED WITH THE PEOPLE. LATER THE POLITICIANS TOOK IT OVER (AND THEY COME FROM THE SAME GENERATION) BECAUS IT TOOK SOFT DRUGS AWEAY FROM THE HARD SHIT. EVERYBODY, FROM JUDGES TO MY MOTHER IN LAW SMOKES A JOINT NOW AND THEN. NO GOVERMENT CAN CHANGES THAT; ITS OUER PART OF LIFE

(PLEASE FORGIF MY SPELIN BUT IM RATHER UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ....)

OK. . .

Christina's Boobies, Redux (Or Reduced)

I just read your article on Christina Ricci's sudden loss of weight. I totally agree. It has saddened me more each time I've seen her. I was excited to hear that she was going to be appearing on a few episodes of Ally McBeal, but upon seeing her, I was immediately nauseated and infuriated.

Anyways, I am writing to you to express even more bad news concerning Christina. She has gone under the knife, and reduced her once beautiful 36C cup breasts, to mere B cups. Her manager claims that the entire change of appearance is because Christina feels that she would be able to get more work this way. Once again, Hollywood has taken something beautiful, and without resignation, utterly and completely corrupted it.

Peace, Love, Equality,
Dug E. Fresh

Martha Stewart, Jailhouse Decorator

While I'm not sure if your article was a true comparison, I wanted to thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable article. You descriptive talents are amazing and also, as much I as love to say "fuck" about 300 times a day, I find it hard to write with it well or read it well. You use the word beautifully. I would use this article to submit to Merriam-Webster that they take the slang and/or vulgar tag off of it in their dictionary and ref. you in usage.

Mostly, thanks for a really good time and great insight.

—Chris

The tax rules for expensing rather than depreciating usually require that you depreciate the cost of a capital improvement over the years instead of deducting them in the year they were spent. The changing of the depreciation rules was the major cause of the savings and load bust - depreciation time on real estate was extended, and so deals that were profitable lost out.

Whatever went wrong this time, I will bet that it was abetted by some arcane tax laws.

—Gene 6-Pack

Check out http://www.dotcomscoop.com/worldcom.html for a better understanding. . . Salon blows!

—Ben Silverman, Editor, Dotcom Scoop

Thanks, y'all!

Daisey, Daisey. . .

Hey,

Your review failed to mention a key thing about this book: It sucks! The ratio of text About Amazon.com vs. How Fascinating I Am/My Life (Mike Daisey) is appalling. This book should have been edited down to 50 pages.

—Still Feeling Ripped Off For Buying This Book

"How Fascinating I Am"? Dude, you just described this entire site!

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