The mystery seemed solved: The vast pool of male testosterone building up in New York can be explained by evolutionary psychology. The most eligible women, with the most to offer-youth and beauty—are seeking out those men with the most desirable traits—money and security. We are living, boys and girls, in a material world. Why would the women trade down to some punk kid who can only offer her sincerity and exquisite taste in indie bands, when she can eat at Bobby Flay's shitty restaurant every night?

Oddly enough, similar injustices were being perpetrated in Renaissance Italy, when men generally didn't come into property until their mid-to-late 30s, whereupon they would marry 14-year-old girls (and the girls without dowries were locked up in convents). The solution the horny young men of Florence found was casual homosexuality, visiting whores, and, occasionally, raiding convents. These days of course, those solutions only work in San Francisco.

My findings were confirmed, albeit in a hardly scientific manner, by every single woman I know older than 35: Men are looking for fresh produce. Being unprotected as they are by the powerful sunblock of Generation X cynicism from the glare of the media, they have been completely brainwashed into thinking a young chick on their arms equals success. Meanwhile, there is a large pool of perfectly eligible older single women languishing in frustration. Sorry, ladies: Feminism is a lie. It's still about T&A.

Of course, it isn't our style here at CORPORATE MOFO to complain about a problem. Oh, no. We look for answers. The solution to this great injustice is fairly simple, really: If all those silverbacks want to bogart our females, well, then, there's no reason we can't go after theirs (otherwise known as the "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?" strategy). Face it: Women in the 35-to-45-year-old age range are pretty darn attractive to a horny 25-year-old. Subversive sexual terrorism is the way to go.

There are several strategies you can take on this. MILFs (that is, "Moms I'd Like to Fuck" for those who haven't seen American Pie) are in abundance all throughout the nation: One need only volunteer to coach a kiddie soccer team, and you're hooked up. Or, better yet: While your boss is working late (i.e., bonking his "personal assistant" at the Hyatt), take a commuter train out to Suburbia and bonk Mrs. Boss. Or, place a personal ad aimed towards for divorcées or soon-to-be divorcées who want that sweet taste of revenge. After all, it's their pool of eligible men who're taking all of our demographic.

Next: But Seriously, Folks